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I came to you on a silver platter and you just couldn't hang.

Why am I attracted to loosers?

Why are guys so withdrawn and confusing and difficult?

People in general say that women are hard to figure out. No, we're not. It's the men. Or rather boys.

So I talked to him via text and we talked a bit about the breakage and things. Our communication lacks. He says he was doing me a favor by breaking up with me. I called him worse than my ex. I guess he was. I just still can't help but feel hurt. He admitted a lot of things to me...

I am caught in the crossroads now. What should I do? Play games? Ignore him? Pretend nothing happened? Ugh. The happy thing to do is to move on and pretend nothing happened. Continue the broken friendship since we share so many friends. But that feels too broken for me. Right now I have lost respect for him. I am sure he feels the same with me. I cannot believe I fell for him. I really can't and here we are. For some reason I am leaning towards fucking with him. A childish stupid thing to do in life but I just want to feel alive and to feel something from him. I do care. I would lie if I didn't. I want him to want me so bad so that I would just turn him down and walk away. Unfortunately it has begun with a pic i sent to him...
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So after I was reassured that I was wanted and needed I was dumped. In the stupidest way possible (to me). My friend was never really my friend. I was dumped because he didn't feel right. And his life sucks right now. Hmmm. Last two guys who dumped me had the exact same excuse. But this guy. This was my friend. Someone I trusted and he has completely gutted me. Last night I cried and I haven't cried like that in such a long time (the kind where you can't breath and you are trying to not cry but you can't stop once you start and you just start making these weird animal-like short grunts) well yeah. This sucks so much.

The good, the bad, the ugly:

Good thing is I know that I was, in pure opinion, better than him. And however arrogant this sounds I know I was probably (if not the best) one of the best girlfriends he would ever have. It's just a fact. I'm fucking awesome and I realize I have been dating losers. No job or really low paying job, living with family or parents, life issues (kids, bad health, family issues, etc.), personal finances suck (no car or bad car, no $), no education or poor education, issues with other women/girls (problems with exes or just in general) and not good looking, mostly. SO I NEED TO FIND THE OPPOSITE OF THIS LIST and I realize I was making poor judgments in order to not really judge but I need to higher my standards. this is a good thing.

The Bad:
I have lost trust in a dear friend and we went through a lot only to not be together. It was a huge waste of emotion and I just don't even know how to handle this. I will move on, be stronger but what the hell. I just don't even know right now

The Ugly:
This will affect our friendship. I honestly think I was falling in love with this guy. I really was trying not to and deny it. I have spent hours and days fighting this telling myself how this can't work and emotions trump everything. I am just me, and I really loved this guy. And now our friendship will never be the same. Ever. Right now, I don't even want his friendship because he's a person who gives up and I can't stand people like this. I like strong people who keep fighting when the going gets tough. I'm not a quitter. I shouldn't have friends who are like this. He can go back to fucking his friends and being an asshole, I just won't be around to see this. I don't want to. His reckless behavior doesn't make for a good friendship.
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I don't know where to begin...

I am emotionally weird right now. This is part of the reason i detest taking birth control. Imagine me feeling like this x10! No thanks, I like control of my emotions. I am having a down day. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I picked a fight with an ex, or my co-worker got canned, or I'm in daily battle with my brain over my new relationship, or I am super super tired, or thinking too much about stuff that happened last weekend... that I really wish didn't. Maybe everything. And it has led to my breakdown today. I need a break from life. I need some relief. I just don't know and that's what I'm so sure about. Not knowing.

I joined facebook last week. All I want to do now is quit. I sort of hate social networking. Twitter is okay, the only one I really enjoy. I just. Argh. lol. I have a boyfriend but he does not feel like my boyfriend. He swears it's not a big deal or even "drama" like I call it to not tell his baby mom that he doesn't want to be with her anymore (in which they had an open relationship) and I just. I just need to leave him alone.

I want to run on the beach where the water meets the shores, feel the soft sand squish between my toes and find the struggle of just running as each step feels heavier than the last, enjoyable. I want to roll down a grassy hill and feel the itchiness crawling all over my body while I walk back up that hill to roll down again. I want to stroll through a park hearing the laughter of children running and playing, avoiding older couples walking ever so slowly and fit moms pushing strollers at a brisk pace.

I want to fucking live in a normal simple world so that once again I can feel unique.

/rant /emotions /being a fucking emotional wreck
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So he's tired of fighting with me. Over stupid stuff. These fights are not a big deal. They start over text message, in which I hate text messaging as the main communication. We don't really have much of a choice.

Also, my ex has contacted me. We discuss what went wrong. Hmm...I have also lied to him for whatever reason and he made me cry.

All that is going on in my head is Bjork's "Hidden Place"

That's where I want to be...

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So I had some weird dreams. One involved a worm trying to burry itself in my arm. Someone said "its a maggot!" But it was clearly not. It was white and long, thick though. I pulled it out before it went deeper but the head of it stayed inside as it hooked its head onto the skin (damn micrbiology). Then I found another one and for some reason it got in there and I couldn't grab it so I had to hurry to get it out. I tried to bite it out but I couldn't get it all. Oh man I woke up checking my arm after that.

The next one involved me going to a d*c type of event, surrounded by trees. There was a parade like d*c and the mando mercs were there but the la chapter dressed up like alice in wonderland characters for the parade. Confusing. Afterwards a merc from the area recognized me and I got flagged down we all started talking. But then my dad showed up and got a flat tire on some train tracks. He got out of the way but everyone was yelling to be careful bc the trains were super fast. They were. Even a track started to get built in front of me alà Inception. That was so weird.

So anyway, my mini vacation was great. I had so much fun. Frustated a few times but overall really good. So, hung out with this guy there most of the time. The major problem I have is his teeth are fubar. At one point while at the bar he was talking and he kept spitting on my arm :( and it discourages me from kissing him. I mean, my teeth are crap, I have so many fillings and a cap but damn. I don't know how to bring it up without hurting his feelings. Its on my mind everyday andd I think about it so much I get grossed out :(
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I think I have only lost a little weight, like 5 lbs.

I am sitting here at work upset because this guy stole the pH meter while I was using it. I cannot finish mixing my solution as I need to check the pH and we only have one, and I think he has been keeping it dirty anyway. Yeah, so much for having a doctorate meaning anything. 

I cannot wait for Dragon Con!

I am talking to this wonderful guy. I really hope things go far with him. He is amazing and makes me feel like the sweetest candy. I would have appropriately changed "feel" to "taste" but I realize that comes off creepy and very inappropriate insinuating that he has indeed tasted me.

So, cheerio to everyone. This guy is creeping around my desk, better go before he reads this over my shoulder!

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I am starting a commitment to get fit, tone my body, loose some fat off my thighs and stomach and try to tighten up my butt. I want to see some progress in about a month. I am going hardcore. No more nasty sweets and overly processed foods. I'm going to try and stick with mostly raw (nuts, veggies uncooked, etc) let's see how this goes! 



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I wonder whether i am doing the right thing or headed down the right path.


I don't know quite what to put

Current Mood:
tired tired
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